The Solution to Herman Cain's Crisis: Affirmative Action

I have devised an elegant and novel solution to the firestorm engulfing Herman Cain: affirmative action. It's a win for all parties involved.

First, let's break things down. Let's assume I have one president who's a pervert: oral sex in the workplace with an intern, lying under oath, and a history of adultery. By all measures, a successful lecher.

Now let's assume I have another presidential pervert, who in comparison, sucks at being a lecher: He's had his share of inappropriate comments, awkward groping and a failed attempt at a sexual affair with a formal co-worker. But that's it: He isn't good enough to diddle in the workplace, conduct a series of adulterous affairs, or get forced into testifying about his sexual escapades under oath. A pervert fail.

Why the disparity? Simple. The successful pervert is white, the far less successful one is black.

And as a direct result of this inequity, the white pervert is qualified to serve as President of the United States. The black one is stuck selling pizzas.

Although our society has made great strides in breaking down color barriers, when it comes to being a pervert, structural inequities exist.

And thus, my solution: Using affirmative action to elevate Herman Cain to successful pervert.

This is a win for all parties: For Herman Cain, this enables him to be qualified to run for POTUS, and if anything, makes him more -- not less -- palatable to liberal voters who have supported successful perverts in the past.

For his accusers, affirmative action ensures that their claims of sexual harrassment, whether true or not, are now made 100% valid. (In fact, we should encourage more people to come forward and accuse the Hermanator. This would help combat claims that affirmative action is an unfair double standard that penalizes more qualified white perverts).

Finally, for the Al Sharptons and Rev. Jesse Jacksons of the world, we have a chance to prove that affirmative action, in a world of successful white perverts and white accusers, can help fix the structural racism in today's society.

I am serious, let's do this: Affirmative action for Herman Cain.